from now on my penis is your penis
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
