Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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