proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
