You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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