Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
