Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
