I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
