porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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