Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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