Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
