this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
