On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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