just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
