Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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