I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
