we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
