is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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