the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
