People in love make me want to vomit
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
