I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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