we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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