when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
