My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
