I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
