You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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