just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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