actually, I'm a sock model
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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