Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
