chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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