Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
