so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
