If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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