after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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