And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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