Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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