The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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