I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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