The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
