I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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