Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
