You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
