So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
