Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
