holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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