I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
