sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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