Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
