haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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