That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
