def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
