Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
