My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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