i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
