I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
