So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
