On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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