Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize